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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2006 11:45:09 GMT
A Lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.
He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy Days!" says the Irish driver, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver sets about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down.
"What are you playing at?" he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did," says the bemused Irishman "but there's still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers.."
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2006 15:56:07 GMT
;D ;D ;D
love it
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Post by Plocket on Sept 14, 2006 16:12:26 GMT
PML! He had a lucky day then with no roadworks and no accidents!!!  |
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Post by Rosefriend on Sept 14, 2006 16:44:38 GMT
I was looking for another joke but can't find the one I want - can compensate with this.
The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and says, "I have a friend
who
is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out
in
a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his
gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream
of
water.
He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang, bang," and the beaver fell over
dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Rosefriend
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Post by Rosefriend on Sept 14, 2006 16:49:40 GMT
OK still haven't found the one I want - the depths of my PC are about the same as my handbag - never ending....
Subject: Mother's Day
Robert D Reeser wrote
> The following came from an anonymous mother
> in Austin, Texas.
>
> Things I've learned from my children
> (honest & no kidding):
>
> 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water
> to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
> 4
> inches deep.
> 2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies
> and run over them with roller
> blades, they can ignite.
> 3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200
> adults in a crowded
> restaurant.
> 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling
> fan, the motor is not strong
> enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing
> Batman underwear and a
> Supermancape. It is strong enough,
> however, if tied to a paint can, to
> spread paint
> on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
> 5. You should not throw baseballs up when
> the ceiling fan is on. When
> using
> a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw
> the ball up a few times
> before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit
> a baseball a long way.
> 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane)
> doesn't stop a baseball hit
> by a
> ceiling fan.
> 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the
> words "uh oh," it's already
> too
> late.
> 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes
> smoke, and lots of it.
> 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a
> flint rock even though a
> 36-year old man says they can only do it in
> the movies.
> 10. Certain Leggos will pass through the
> digestive tract of a
> 3-year-old.
> 11. Play dough and microwave should not be
> used in the same sentence.
> 12. Super glue is forever.
> 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a
> swimming pool you still can't
> walk on water.
> 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
> 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even
> though TV commercials show
> they do.
> 16. Garbage bags do not make good
> parachutes.
> 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise
> when driving.
> 18. You probably do not want to know what
> that odor is
> 19. Always look in the oven before you turn
> it on. Plastic toys do not
> like
> ovens.
> 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a
> 5-minute response time.
> 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine
> does not make earthworms
> dizzy.
> 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
> 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight
> when dizzy.
> 24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
>
>
Rosefriend
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Post by Rosefriend on Sept 14, 2006 16:52:50 GMT
Found another one - Now then do not want anyone with Irish ancestory annoyed please........
A IRISH MOTHER WRITING TO HER SON:
Dear Sean,
I’m writing this letter, just to let you know that am still alive.
I am writing very slowly because I know that you can’t read quickly. When you come home you won’t recognise the house. We’ve moved! In our new house we’ve even got a washing machine. I put 14 shirts in and pulled the chain, - I haven’t seen them since.
Your Father has got a new job. He has 500 people under him – he is mowing the grass at the Cemetery.
Last week Uncle Seamus drown in a Barrel of Whisky. A few men tried to rescue him but he fought them off. We cremated him but it took 3 days for the flames to die down.
Your sister Maria had a baby yesterday. As we don’t know whether it is a boy or a girl, I don’t know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt.
It rained 7 times last week, the first time for 3 days and the second time for 4 days. There was so much Thunder that the Hen laid the same egg four times.
On Tuesday we were vaccinated against Earthquakes.
Your Mother
P.S. I wanted to send you some money, but I had already sealed the letter.
Rosefriend
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Post by Plocket on Sept 14, 2006 18:03:40 GMT
Oh I just love that Austin, Texas one - but what's a dust bunnie?
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Post by Rosefriend on Sept 14, 2006 18:23:19 GMT
Dust bunnie - don't know where is it - I can't find it. What number?
BTW what is jell- O??
RF
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Post by Plocket on Sept 14, 2006 18:40:02 GMT
Dust bunnies are No.2 Rosefriend!!!
I think jell-o is like fruit jelly - ie bramble jelly. Jam without the pips. I think! ;D
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Post by Rosefriend on Sept 14, 2006 18:49:58 GMT
Yes I do know what dust bunnies are - trouble is I can't remember what they are called in English.
They are on a stick, type thing, with whatever to get rid of dust - you can go behind things with them and in ceiling corners - they are often different colours. Does that help - when you tell me I will know ....
RF
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Post by Plocket on Sept 14, 2006 18:56:37 GMT
Oooooh a carpet sweeper??? I thought dust bunnies were some sort of bug!!!!!
Thanks Rosefriend!!!
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Post by Rosefriend on Sept 14, 2006 19:00:18 GMT
NOooooo - Plocket they are not carpet sweepers - they are things that you use to get rid of dust..... honestly.... oh dear ... dust devil -- no... dust something.. feathers.... no...
Oh someone must know......
RF
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Post by Spruance on Sept 14, 2006 19:40:09 GMT
NOooooo - Plocket they are not carpet sweepers - they are things that you use to get rid of dust..... honestly.... oh dear ... dust devil -- no... dust something.. feathers.... no... Oh someone must know...... RF I guess you mean feather dusters, often made from synthetic filaments these days. Like this....?  Just found this Wikipedia alternative though... en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dust_bunnySpruance |
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Post by Rosefriend on Sept 15, 2006 6:03:59 GMT
Hey Spruance - that's it - well something similar - - that one does look a bit like a loo brush.
I've got it - a dust buster....
Hey - this getting older lark --- Phew
Rosefriend
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Post by Plocket on Sept 15, 2006 8:27:48 GMT
Oooooh thats my little non-feather duster - give it back!!!
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Post by sweetleaf on Sept 15, 2006 8:57:35 GMT
Dust bunnies are the clumps of dust/fluff often found under beds looks a lot like tumble dryer fluff , jell-o is Jelly in americanese...jelly crystals in a pool... lol, that poor woman! ...not to mention the cat  |
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