1 Liners

> 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
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> 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
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> 3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
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> 4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
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> 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
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> 6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
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> 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
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> 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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> 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
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> 10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
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> 11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
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> 12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
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> 14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
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> 15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
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> 16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
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> 17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
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> 18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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> 20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
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> 21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
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> 22. Procrastinate Now!
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> 23. My dog can lick anyone!
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> 25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
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> 26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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> 27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
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> 28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
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> 30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
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> 31. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand
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> 33. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
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> 34. MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS
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> 35. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
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> 36. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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> 37. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
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> 38. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
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> 39. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
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> 40. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
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> 41. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
> misquoted and get used against you.
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> 42. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
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> 43. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
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> 44. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to
> end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
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> 45. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
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> 46. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
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> 47. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
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> 48. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
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> 49. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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> 50. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them.