I know some of you have seen these before,but they still make me laugh.................
Janet & John go to a firework display.
This evening, Janet and John are going to a firework display.
Do you like fireworks? John does.
John is so excited that he nearly forgets to take the heated rollers out of his beard.
See John skip down the road to the park holding Janet's hand.
Are you allowed to cross the road on your own? John isn't.
Soon Janet and John reach the park. There is a very big crowd, a huge bonfire, and lots of stalls selling hot-dogs, burgers, and fizzy pop.
John was so excited that he couldn't manage to eat his tea. John is hungry. Poor John.
'May I have a hamburger please?', says John. See Janet get out her purse and give John some money. John walks over to the burger van. See the hardened arteries.
In the queue for the burger van, John sees Melanie Frontage. 'Hello Mrs. Frontage' says John. 'Hello Johnnie' says Melanie Frontage, 'are you looking forward to the fireworks?' 'Yes' says John, 'I can't wait, I love fireworks'.
Melanie Frontage says, 'there's a really big display out on the Heath tomorrow. It's a bit cold and you can see the whole thing from my flat. Why don't you pop around?' Kind Mrs. Frontage.
John collects his burger from Mrs. Dickens who is serving in the van.
Silly John forgot to ask for some tomato ketchup. See John go back to get some ketchup. Mrs. Dickens says 'sorry John, there is no more ketchup, but you can have some tomato relish', pop around to the back of the van and I'll get you some. 'Thank you Mrs. Dickens' says John.
John goes back to meet Janet. 'Did you get something to eat?', says Janet.
"Yes" says John. I got a lovely big hamburger from Mrs. Dickens. Then I asked her for a bit of sauce and she told me to come around to the back of the van and palmed me off with relish. Then Melanie Frontage said that it might be a bit cold, but if I wanted, I could enjoy a wonderful display from her flat out on the heath tomorrow evening.
See the fireworks.
Do you know what an uppercut is? Janet does.
See John sitting on the ground looking at the pretty stars. Poor John.
Janet and John go to a dog show
Today, Janet and John are going to a dog show. Do you like dogs? Janet and John do.
The dog show is at the Church Hall. Janet says, 'Hurry up John, or we'll be late!'
See John struggle to get into his tight leather trousers and pink frilly shirt.
Can you roll your eyes? Janet can.
Soon Janet and John are ready to leave. See Janet strap John into the car-seat, and put some saucepans in the back of the car.
When they arrive, there are lots of people with their dogs in the Church hall.
Janet is helping with the refreshments. See Janet put on an apron. Janet says, 'While I'm helping with the food, I want you to be a good boy. Do you understand?' See John nod his head.
John sees Mrs Bickerdyke. 'Eh-up fluffywhiskers', says Mrs. Bickerdyke. Mrs Bickerdyke is from Yorkshire - see the dark satanic mills.
Mrs. Bickerdyke says 'Eeee, you're just the man I wanted to see', see John look nervous. 'Give me a hand to get some stuff in from the car and I'll buy you an Eccles cake', Eccles cakes are John's favourite.
See John helping Mrs. Bickerdyke to lift some heavy boxes. John says 'I haven't seen that little dog in your car before, is it yours?'
Mrs. Bickerdyke says, 'Yes, she's a prize Schnauser, I was going to bring her in, but she's a bit nervous'.
When all the boxes are out of the car, Mrs. Bickerdyke says, 'Right, I need these shifting to the back door of the Hall where I'm setting up my stand'.
John says 'What are you selling Mrs. Bickerdyke'. Mrs Bickerdyke says 'I'm selling sparkly coats and fashion accessories for dogs, they're very popular'.
When John and Mrs. Bickerdyke have finished setting up the stall, the Verger takes some photographs for the Parish Magazine. John likes having his photograph taken - see the cheesy smile.
Then Mrs. Bickerdyke buys John an Eccles cake, which John quickly gobbles down.
After John has had a look at all the dogs and the sandwiches and tea are served it is soon time to go home.
Janet and John get back into the car. Janet says 'I nearly forgot to bring back my saucepans, did you have a nice time John?'
'Yes', says John Mrs, Bickerdyke gave me a treat after she showed me her Schnauser in the car park, then I did her a favour and took her doggy fashion round the back of the Village Hall and the Verger took some pictures for the Church newsletter.
Do you know how to ruin a perfectly good saucepan? Janet does. See the dents.
Janet and John have fun with photography
Today John has got his camera out.
John used to operate a camera for the BBC but he kept bumping into things. Clumsy John.
John says to Janet 'I am going to take some photographs'.
Can you roll your eyes? Janet can.
Janet says, 'I'm not dressing up in Tupperware again'. See Newsreaders Wives.
'No', says John. 'I am going out to photograph wildlife'.
'Don't forget that you can't develop any photographs until your enlarger is fixed', says Janet.
John takes his camera for a walk down the old railway line.
John takes lots of photographs of birds. John likes birds.
At the top of Mill Lane, John sees Mrs. Spence. Mrs. Spence is taking photographs of birds too.
'Hello Mr. Marsh', says Mrs. Spence. 'Did you get any nice shots?'
'I think so', says John, but I can't use my darkroom until I get a new bulb for my enlarger'.
'I only ever use my digital camera now', says Mrs. Spence.'Would you like to pop around and use my darkroom'.
'Yes please', says John.
Mrs. Spence makes John a cup of tea while he is printing his photographs. Kind Mrs. Spence.
When John has printed his photographs, Mrs. Spence shows John the pictures she took. There is a Swallow, and a Pheasant, and John has a nice photo of a Woodcock.
John thanks Mrs. Spence for the tea, and goes home to Janet.
'Did you get some nice photographs?' says Janet. 'Yes', says John. 'I saw Mrs. Spence'.
'Mrs. Spence said that I could pop into her darkroom and see what developed once the red light was on. Once I told her that I really like birds, Mrs. Spence showed me a very impressive swallow, and wants to see an enlargement of the woodcock I showed her, next week'.
Do you know how what a hot-shoe attachment is? Janet does. So does John.
Janet and John go to the garden centre
Today, Janet and John are going to the garden centre. Janet wants to buy a climber to cover up one of John's sheds.
Janet says that John's sheds are an eyesore.
See Janet looking at all the flowers. Do you like flowers? Janet does.
John is looking at the garden ornaments.
John is laughing at how funny the big concrete gnomes look with their round-bellies and white beards.
John is watching the workmen make the gnomes. See the men tip concrete into the moulds.
See the workmen point at John and laugh.
John sees Mrs. Perkins from the Co-op. "Hello Mrs. Perkins", says John. "Hello Mr. Marsh",says Mrs. Perkins. What fun!
Mrs. Perkins says "I am looking for a nice Thymus serpyllum for my window-box, and I wanted to find something to perk up the privet in my front garden.
It is very dull in the winter, and I can't seem to find anything here that suits dry soil.
I was wondering if I could have a cutting from your Clematis vitalba?"
"Of course", says John. "I will see if I can find you one". Kind John.
Do you know what a clematis is? John does. John has lots of helpful books.
John says, "Janet looking for a climber". Mrs. Perkins says, "You ought to try Ipomoea purpurea, My Doug has a nice reliable one at the back of the woodshed.
Get Janet to pop around to see if she wants a cutting".
"Thank you", says John.
John walks around looking at the flowers until he sees Janet.
"Hello John", says Janet. "Who was that lady I saw you talking to?" See the warning signs.
John says, "That was Mrs. Perkins from the Co-op. She Was after a Wild thyme, and asked if she could have a bit of my 'old man's beard' in her front hedge".
"She said that in exchange, Mr. Perkins has an impressive Morning Glory that you could look at behind the woodshed".
See Janet push John into one of the big tubs of concrete.
Do you think John looks like a garden ornament?
Janet does. See Janet waiting for the concrete to set.
Janet is making bloater-paste sandwiches. John does not like bloater-paste.
Do you know what dry-heaves are? John does.
Soon it is time for Janet and John to catch the bus at the end of the lane. Janet gives John a barley-sugar twist to suck. Janet has to wipe John's beard with a wet hankie. See John wriggle.
When they arrive at the seaside, Janet gives John his bucket and spade, his sandwiches, and some money to spend on the pier. Janet says, "I am going to the Bingo now. I will see you by the candy-floss stall in an hour. If you've been a good boy, you can have some candy-floss".
Do you like candy-floss? John does.
See John waving Janet goodbye.
John skips down to the pier. John likes the pier.
See John throw his sandwiches to the seagulls.
Next, John goes to the shellfish stall and buys some winkles. John likes shellfish.
John sees Mrs. Bickerdyke. "Hello Mrs. Bickerdyke", says John. "Eh-up Fluffywhiskers", says Mrs. Bickerdyke. Mrs. Bickerdyke is from Yorkshire - see Jeremy Clarkson.
"What are you doing here?", says John.
Mrs. Bickerdyke says, "I came down for the American ice-cream tasting, they are trying out some new flavours. Are those Winkles any good?' I bet they aren't as good as they are down in Devon. They do them hot from the pan with cider vinegar down there. I'll be having some of those next week when I go on holiday. Now I can't stand here listening to you all day, I'm going to pop me flip-flops on and take t'whippet for a walk on the beach".
Do you know how to get a word in edgeways? John doesn't.
John walks down to the beach and makes a big sandcastle.
Soon it is time to go back to meet Janet.
See John cross the road, and stand by the candy-floss stall. Janet sees John.
"Hello John", says Janet,"What have you been doing?"
"Well", says John, "I walked down to the pier to look at the stalls and I saw Mrs. Bickerdyke'. Mrs. Bickerdyke had just spent all afternoon tasting Ben and Jerry's. Next week she is going to Devon to get some hot winkles in cider. Then she got her flip-flops out and said it was time to let her whippet out on the beach..... Can I have some candy-floss now?"
See Janet push John's head into the candy-floss machine and switch it on.
John is not a Journalist. John reads the news. Journalists make it up.
John is on a conversion course.
Do you know what a conversion course is?
A conversion course is something you do when you want to be taken seriously.
John is not taken seriously. People point and laugh. Poor John.
For his homework, John has to have dinner and some wine in a restaurant, and then write all about it.
If he writes a nice story, he will get six gold stars. Lucky John.
John's friend Alan knows all about food and wine. Paint Alan's nose red.
Alan suggests a nice restaurant near Waterloo bridge.
John looks worried.
'What's the matter John?', says Alan.
John says 'I have to take someone with me, but I don't know who to ask'. See John blub.
'There there', says Alan. 'I will ask Amanda on reception, I've heard that she will do anything for a nice meal'. Kind Alan.
John and Amanda go to the restaurant. Do you think Oxo is a funny name for a restaurant?
John is very excited. John likes his food. Amanda is a bit nervous as the restaurant is on the 8th floor and she is afraid of heights.
While they wait to be served John gets Amanda some wine and she soon feels better.
Soon the waiter arrives with the food. John gobbles down his dinner. See Amanda picking bits of food out of her hair.
Soon it is time to go. Amanda does not have enough money to pay for both meals so John makes up the difference. Do you know what a hairy old skinflint is? Amanda does.
When John gets home, Janet asks what he did at work today.
'Today I was behaving like a journalist'. I took our receptionist out for a treat.
Alan said he wanted Amanda Ryder on the desk in reception because she would do anyone a favour. We went to a very nice place to eat. But Amanda needed a few drinks because she'd never been taken up the Oxo Tower before and was a bit nervous. Afterwards she said that she would suggest it to her boyfriend.
Can you hit a moving target with a four-slice toaster? Janet can. See Janet chase John.
Run John, run. _____________________________________________________ John goes to the off-license
Today, John is going to the village off-license because Janet has had 'one of those days' at work and has run out of cream sherry.
Janet gives John the money and tells him not to talk to any strange women.
See John skip down the road.
The off license is next door to the Hare and Hounds pub.
John is not allowed to go into the pub. Do you know what barred means? John does.
'Ring-ring' goes the shop bell.
See Mrs. Davies behind the counter. Mrs. Davies is from Wales. See the consonants.
Mrs. Davies is looking for something.
"Hello Mrs. Davies", says John.
"Hello John", says Mrs Davies.
"Have you lost something?", says John.
"Yes", says Mrs. Davies, "It's a piece from an old wooden chess-set. I can't find it anywhere, and it's an antique. I've been looking for weeks. Anyway, what would you like today John?"
John says, "I'd like a bottle of dry sherry please".
See John give Mrs. Davies the money, and put the change in his pocket.
"Thank you Mrs. Davies", says John.
See John start to skip home.
John has not gone far when he remember that he should have asked for cream sherry, not dry. Silly John.
See John run back to the off-license. "I'm sorry Mrs. Davies", says John, "I asked you for the wrong sherry. Could I have a bottle of cream sherry instead?"
"Of course", says Mrs. Davies. "Perhaps you can help me? Mrs. Bickerdyke told me that you are very good with your hands. Could you make me another chess piece? I would be ever so grateful".
See Mrs. Davies give John a chess-piece. "Yes", says John, "I can make one of these". John knows what a spokeshave is. Clever John.
John says, "I don't play chess much, but I do like a game of cards".
"So do I", says Mrs. Davies, "Next time you're passing, call in for a drink and a game of seven-card-stud in the lounge-bar".
"Goodbye Mrs. Davies", says John. "Goodbye John, and thank you", says Mrs. Davies. What fun!
John skips home to see Janet. Janet is waiting on the doorstep. See Janet take two or three big mouthfulls from the sherry. Thirsty Janet.
"Sorry I was so long", says John. "Mrs. Davies asked me to copy this pawn for her when she gave me some cream for the dry sack. Mrs. Bickerdyke told her that if she was short of a piece, that I had no trouble getting wood, and she said that next time I'm passing I should call in for a drink and Poker in the snug."
See sherry come out of Janet's nose.
Do you know how to pull someone through a letter-box by their beard?
Janet does. Poor John.
John goes to a party
Today, John is going to a birthday party. John is very excited, John likes parties.
See John put on his gold Matador outfit with red brocade and a frilly white shirt.
Janet asks "Is it a fancy-dress party John?"
"No" says John, "if It was, I would have dressed up specially".
Do you think John is a fop? Janet does. See Janet rolling her eyes. Clever Janet.
See John put on his cape and hat.
Janet says, "have a nice time at the party - and you know what will happen if you don't behave?"
See John feel his bruises.
John waves to Janet and walks down the road to the party.
When John arrives at the party there is lots of music and dancing. There are sausage-rolls, pies, cakes, Tizer and green jelly. John likes green jelly - see John's beard go a funny colour.
Melanie Frontage has found some whisky and has to go home early.
After the food the girls start the karaoke. John likes karaoke. Janet says John has a voice like a goose in a mangle. Funny Janet. John even sings a song on the garden swing with two of the girls - what fun.
Soon it is time to go home. John skips down the road swinging his party bag.
When John gets home Janet is doing some ironing. "Hello Janet", says John.
"Did you have a nice time at the party?", says Janet.
"Yes" says John. After the food, Melanie Frontage had to go home when she'd had some Teachers liquor on the sideboard.
"Then the girls got out some magnificent hits, and lined them up on the table to see which ones we liked best. Some of them were a bit long, but there were two that I knew I could handle".
"First I did 'All kinds of everything' with Mrs. Dempsey. Then Mrs. Mason, Mrs. Durrington and I did 'my favourite things' on the garden swing and got a big round of applause".
Do you know which steam setting you should use to iron out troublesome wrinkles? Janet does.
Hear the screams.
Janet and John go to the Horticultural show.
Today, Janet and John are going to the horticultural show. Horticultural is a big word isn't it?
Do you know what it means? Horticulture is all about growing things. John knows how to grow things.
Janet goes to talk to Mrs. Harrison from the college.
John sees Mrs. Norris.
'Hello Mrs. Norris', says John.
'What an nice display' says John. I can't grow fruit as I have a lot of trouble keeping the birds off of my plums.'
John's friend Reg knows a song about that.
John says, 'Are those conference pears?'
'Yes', says Mrs. Norris. My Charlie grows these. You can feel that they're a bit firm for eating just now, but they would be nice cooked. Would you like some?'
Kind Mrs. Norris.
'Thank you' says John, 'I'll have them tonight'.
Do you like pears? John does.
Then John sees Mrs. Waller. 'Hello Mr. Marsh', says Mrs. Waller. 'Are you not exhibiting? Your
Rocket was the talk of the village last year!'
'No' says John.
See John blush. Paint John's face red.
Mrs. Waller says, 'I have something for you to try Mr. Marsh, it's Okra with thyme. Call in on the
way home and I'll let you have the recipe, or if you fancy a snack now, I think I have some lettuce here'.
John says 'thank you Mrs. Waller, but I don't want to spoil my dinner'. Sensible John.
John sees Janet coming back. Janet has bought some new shears.
'Have you been a good boy?', says Janet.
'Yes, of course', says John. 'I saw Mrs. Norris. I told her I was looking for a nice firm pear, so
she let me try her Charlie's. I told her that they would do a French tart proud.
Then I saw Mrs. Waller. She told me I could have wild thyme with ladies fingers if I popped in later, or if I
couldn't wait, she'd lettuce behind the stall.'
See Janet get out the shears.
Can you hit twenty miles an hour in two seconds? John can.
Janet wants to cut back the top of the hedge but can't reach. Poor Janet.
John can reach, see how tall John is, but John is not allowed to play with sharp things after the last time - see the plasters.
Janet sends John to borrow some long-handled shears from a neighbour.
Clever John remembers that he has often seen Mrs. Frontage's gardener trimming her hedge. John rings the bell 'ding-dong'.
'Hello Johnny' says Mrs. Frontage, what can I do for you today?'. John says, 'I wondered if I could borrow some shears?'
'If you can find them' says Mrs. Frontage. I don't know what the gardener does with them. I have lots of hoes and rakes and things in the shed. Have a look in the tool-chest'. 'Thank you' says John. See John looking in the tool chest.
Poor John. He can only find one pair of shears, and they are very old and rusty.
John goes next door to see Mr. Terris. Mr. Terris is not in, but Mrs. Terris is. Mrs Terris says 'Charlie has some in the garage, let me help you find them' Kind Mrs. Terris.
John thanks Mrs Terris then takes the shears and goes home to Janet.
Janet says 'you were gone a long time, what have you been up to?' See the warning signs.
John says 'I called in to see Mrs. Frontage. She said that she could help me if I was looking for a hoe, but I could have a rummage about in her chest anyway. But I didn't find what I wanted.
'It wasn't until Mrs. Terris showed me her Charlie's in the garage that I came across a decent pair. She also said that if wanted to, I could pop around for secateurs any time'.
See Janet reach for her pruning knife.
See John make a big John-shaped hole in the hedge.
This morning John is going to the hairdresser. Every Wednesday John has his beard curled and tinted and a demi-wave put in his hair.
John says he just likes to look his best for his public. Janet says that it's like being married to Liberace. Do you know who Liberace was? John does. Liberace was John's hero.
When Janet and John arrive at the hairdresser they are a little early, so John takes his usual seat and waits.
Janet goes to the wool-shop next door to get some medium-strength elbow-patches as she is trying to give up cardigans.
While she is out Mrs. Bickerdyke comes into the salon to make an appointment.
'Mrs. Bickerdyke sees John. 'Eh-up fluffywhiskers', she says.
Mrs. Bickerdyke is from Yorkshire. See Richard Whiteley. 'Hello Mrs. Bickerdyke' says John.
John sees Mrs. Bickerdyke's new car parked outside. It is a small shiny red one.
'That's a nice car' says John. 'Yes', says Mrs. Bickerdyke 'it's a mini convertible' I bought it in case we get a summer this year. 'It's grand with the top down'.'You must come out for a spin sometime'.
It is time for John's appointment. A new girl is doing John's hair today.
John's new hairdresser is called Donnatella Noboddi, she is from Italy - see the frantic arm gestures. Donnatella has long curly hair. Do you like curly hair? John does.
John says, 'Do all the girls have curly hair where you come from?' Donatella says 'yes' and shows John her home on a map.
Donatella tells John all about her home in Italy and says that she will bring in some Italian food for John next time he is in.
Soon Janet comes back to collect John. On the bus home, John tells Janet all about his morning at the hairdressers. "Mrs. Bickerdyke came in to make an appointment and showed me her little red mini. She said I should see her in it with her top down. Then Donatella was telling me where Italian girls have curly hair and said that next week she will let me have linguini'.
Have you ever fallen down the stairs on the bus?
John falls down the stairs seventeen times on the way home, and it's only three stops.