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Post by 4pygmies on Oct 29, 2006 6:50:19 GMT
I'm having a "slight" argument with my OH about the garden at the moment. He says it's far too big for me to manage it and that I should make some major changes. I know he's right BUT I waited all my life for a garden big enough to do all the things I dreamed about so I'm basically running myself ragged trying to keep as much as possible under control (and losing...).
My argument is that if he actually helped me a bit with the huge jobs (like the hedge trimming) I might have enough time and energy to do a bit more of the gardeny stuff. Unfortunately his part in the great gardening scheme is sitting with a glass of wine having a smoke as often as possible with the occasional go on the mower.....
I really wanted to turn my overrun flower garden into a prairie garden this autumn/spring but it involves a major digging over. I WILL NOT give up my goats and vegetable garden!
Last night though whilst laying awake worrying about it I had a vision of my existing flower garden made into a very simple grassy strip with the existing hedges trimmed nice and neatly and the rose covered seat being the only planting...to my surprise I quite liked it! I could still keep my native plants growing naturally everywhere else I suppose. It just means I would spend most of my time using a mower and strimmer to keep it tidy.....
Do other people have these problems with their partners? What's it like when both contribute to the growing of things? Am I being pathetic? Shall I just shut up??
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2006 7:32:31 GMT
My OH's contribution is minimal. He lopped some branches off the soon to be ex-lleylandi yesterday, and when pushed, moved the new fruit tree pots to an "out of the way for the moment" space inbetween the garlic and strawberry beds.
HIS friend wrecked my hedge trimmers but doesn't so much as wave a pair of shears. Sometimes I get annoyed by it, but mostly I use the garden as my refuge so convince myself that i don't need any help.
His big plates of meat could dig over everything in half the time it takes me, but at the end of the day, i can look at everything with a great sense of pride and achievement leaving him to do all the housework. big girl's blouse.
;D
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Post by torontotrini on Oct 29, 2006 12:30:56 GMT
Well, being an OH myself, I guess I have a bit of a different perspective. My garden is big enough to do most of what I want, - I would have liked a bit more space in the form of depth to it - without it consuming all my time and energy. Also, I don't need help as far as muscles go, to do the heavier kinds of stuff - not that I would describe myself as being anywhere near to being muscular, but I can manage. If there is something that is a bit too heavy for me to move, like last week when I took out and moved a 6-7ft juniper with a big rootball, I get my son to give me a hand. So the net result is that my BH does absolutely nothing in the garden except to come out now and then to have a look around and pick some tomatoes when they're ready for picking. She is truly an indoor sort of person. And that is just fine with me. I truly enjoy being out there on my own doing my own thing as the spirit moves me, but I don't really think of the garden as a refuge. It's more like my happy place.
The only advice I might offer 4P, is that sometimes by having a bit less, you might find that you can get more enjoyment out of what you have. Maybe let some areas go completely wild; spread some wildflowers and grasses, some perennials like yarrow and salvia that spread out and do their own thing, etc. and bring a smaller area under more control; make it more "orderly?" That's the wrong expression I know, but I think you would know what I'm trying to say.
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Post by 4pygmies on Oct 29, 2006 13:12:44 GMT
Well, you're right TT but the trouble is I have HAD to let a huge area of my garden go wild and now it's a forest of 4 - 5 ft high nettles! I've spent the past 15 years trying to get them under control and I might as well not have bothered! Not that I'm moaning, you understand, but as it was originally a farmers field/ tractor park/ general dumping ground it was a bit of a tall order right from the start I suppose! It just niggles at me a bit that with a bit of help with the really heavy work, I might have had a chance at making a better go at it. The other thing is that I may have to swallow my organic principles and spray everything off so the native flowers and more attractive wild plants have at least a chance to establish. I do this only as a last resort and it makes me feel terrible! Is it true that there are no nettles in North America? I've never believed that but if so - got room for a lodger?? My garden used to be my happy place too but just at the moment it feels like a burden (and one of my own making which is soo annoying!). Thanks for responding everyone above. P'raps it's the time of year......
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2006 13:26:28 GMT
4P, no wonder you're p***ed off! Just a suggestion - and I realise this may not be practical. But given that you have all these nettles, which would be good green manure if ploughed in, is there any way you could hire a fella with one of those digging machines for a day, plough in all the weeds, cover with some form of weed-suppressant tarp. or similar for the winter, and then start sowing your wildflower meadow in the spring, combining the wildflowers with lots of ground cover - TT's suggestion of yarrow sounds good, and tansy will spread all over the place if given a chance (plus, it's leaves are supposedly good for making an anti-stress tea, which might help ;D). I know this would involve a bit of outlay (if you hired the digging machine, would your OH be prepared to put in the manpower?), but you'll be kicking yourself down the road if you abandon your organic principles and spray weedkiller. I'm sure more experienced gardening boarders will have good suggestions, and hopefully things soon won't look as bleak ... cheers ...
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Post by sweetleaf on Oct 29, 2006 14:02:20 GMT
4P, your OH sounds like a typical builder- type guy, plants are ok, but hed probably prefer decking or paving! If parts of your garden are out of control then perhaps you should get some tarps and smother them.. a cold snap will sort it all out, and if you dont like the look of it...dont look!Bob Flowerdew uses similar methods. Dont use weedkiller, youll hate yourself, and the fumes could well irritate your already sensitive lungs  My OH lets me get on with it..which is mechanic speke for `leave me out of it` the only reason he really bought that plough is because it petrol, and kind of antique. He knows what a dandelion looks like, but that is the limit of it,I suppose what Im saying is, dont give up, dont surrender..if you do its so much harder to come back from (massive hug smiley) |
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Post by beanie on Oct 29, 2006 17:12:42 GMT
I have the opposite problem the garden has always been MINE. but since OH has been made redundant he's moving in on it so i have to keep finding him jobs that will keep him away from my plants ;D
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Post by 4pygmies on Oct 29, 2006 17:54:51 GMT
I've tried using tarps to suppress the nettles but a) they spread their roots MILES tofind the light and b) guess what crawled under and made a lovely winter nest popping out with their millions of offspring to raid my chickens food?? I wish that was the answer......sorry,CC and Sweetleaf! They're all agin me.......
Beanie! I'm SOOOO jealous! If only you lived nearer - I have HUNDREDS of jobs ready for a bored man and they all need power tools and a willy! (I have been assured that only someone with a willy can effectively wield a power tool - unless it's a special girly one...the tool I mean, not the willy!).
I fantasise about hiring a man who does. And I don't care if he has a willy or not - as long as he cuts,chainsaws, trims, mows and strims EXACTLY where I tell him. (I'm menopausal, you know). I need some earth moving but only in the garden!!
EW! Young man........
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Post by lottielady on Oct 29, 2006 18:03:17 GMT
Beanie! I'm SOOOO jealous! If only you lived nearer - I have HUNDREDS of jobs ready for a bored man and they all need power tools and a willy! (I have been assured that only someone with a willy can effectively wield a power tool - unless it's a special girly one...the tool I mean, not the willy!). I fantasise about hiring a man who does. And I don't if he has a willy or not - as long as he cuts,chainsaws, trims, mows and strims EXACTLY where I tell him. (I'm menopausal, you know). I need some earth moving but only in the garden!! EW! Young man........ PML - sorry 4P - I know it's a major problem in your garden but that post is just so funny ;D LL x |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2006 18:21:09 GMT
We could all do with a "man who does" 4P. Man who does with chainsaw ... my kind of heaven.
;D
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2006 18:25:59 GMT
We could all do with a "man who does" 4P. Man who does with chainsaw ... my kind of heaven. ;D Get your coat Welshblue - you've pulled !!!! FA x |
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Post by Cheerypeabrain on Oct 29, 2006 18:30:22 GMT
Well really...(snigger)... You have a beautiful strip of land 4P and I know how much you love it....your lawn idea sounds lovely...and you'd still have your vegetable patch and fruit trees. As for the nettles...do goats eat them? You could have a movable paddock over sections that need attention. OR Have any of your local farmers got a lusty young son that would like to earn a tenner ripping out nettles for an afternoon? Stripped to the waist with muscles rippling as the sweat glistens on his toned young body.....ooooer......sigh, quiver tremble....  |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2006 18:33:40 GMT
Sorry 4P - didn't mean to make light of your "situation". Why is your OH unwilling to help ? Perhaps if you encouraged him to give you a hand, he might even get bitten by the gardening bug and really start to enjoy it !
If you can't get in a man wot does or get your OH to help and you can't manage it all on your own, I can only suggest that you make some of the areas that you're not fussed about into low maintenance areas (the grass strip instead of the flower boarder for example) and then you can concentrate on keeping those bits that you really are definite that you want to keep the way you want them.
Shame you're just a bit too far away for me to come and give you a hand. Maybe OM, Rita and some of the other Norfolkers could form a work party.........?
Regards
FA x
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Post by 4pygmies on Oct 29, 2006 20:31:02 GMT
Good evening all, I think my OH is in the throes of a mid life crisis........I wish it took the form of getting things done, finishing building work and worrying about our finances but unfortunately it seems to mainly entail sitting staring into a glass, being a miserable old git and finding fault with me! I shall have to don my teflon underpants, Darth Vader helmet and go mad with a strimmer....
...the only lusty youngish bloke round here is the farmers son next door and he spends all his time jet spraying every tractor they possess for hours and hours....he doesn't have the effect on me that Cheery dreams of - the last time I felt even a twitch in me tubes was when I secretly had a go with OH's chain saw, now that was exciting!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2006 21:32:35 GMT
the last time I felt even a twitch in me tubes was when I secretly had a go with OH's chain saw, now that was exciting!  You're not growing a willy are you 4pygmies?  Px |
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Post by Chuckles on Oct 29, 2006 21:39:09 GMT
Oh dear 4P I do feel for you. I have to ask several times over maybe a period of a month or two sometimes upto 6 months or more (he calls it nagging) to get any help with the heavy jobs, and then it's rush rush rush to get it done and we end up falling out because I can't work at his fast pace.
These days I see more of my OH when he is horizontal (ZZZZZZ) in his recliner, in his defence he does work hard during the day and does do all the cooking.
I think you should sit him down and give him a good talking to and tell him how you feel and that you need some help.
Have to say you had me in tucks with the chainsaw bit ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Margi on Oct 29, 2006 22:59:08 GMT
Hi 4P
I feel for you!!! I have always been the only gardener - the ex's only contribution was wandering outside once every few months when I'd done something major and saying 'yes, that's nice' before going inside again to play games or get onto the computer. While I would like a young 'Derek' (Specsavers ads) occasionally, I think I'm probably best on my own because at least things get done exactly as I want them, and know they should be done. Yes, sometimes I do worry that I'm not going to be able to keep on top of things, but usually there's a huge amount of satisfaction in knowing I've done it myself...
Having said that, I can see the benefit in down-scaling areas of the garden you don't feel quite so strongly about in favour of concentrating your time and effort into the bits you love the most...
Margi x
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Post by 4pygmies on Oct 30, 2006 5:57:14 GMT
Well, your messages are lovely (thank you) but it seems as if we're all gardening in isolation - is that a good thing? Seems a real shame to me that something which gives us all such pleasure (usually) and is of real benefit to the planet is something very few of us share with our nearest and dearest. I'm not really glad I'm not alone with this problem! It's not really that many generations ago when people HAD to grow their own etc. if they wanted to eat fresh food regularly. What a shame our wonderful march on the road to "progress" has turned out like this. I must say that seeing everyone's wonderful gardens on MBs has opened my eyes about what a mess my garden is! It really grieves me that I can't get mine up to the same standard and that my lovely (not) OH can't get himself even vaguely interested. Still I shall have a major rethink over the winter and gird my loins (still wholly female as far as I know Plantaholic!) to get it as right as I can. Trouble is, I really love having a go at everything!
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Post by oldmoleskins on Oct 30, 2006 7:58:42 GMT
'talking this out' here, 4P, may be the all therapy you need - you've covered the main points:
a) "I waited all my life for a garden big enough to do all the things I dreamed about" so it's your dream, then - not his, neccesarily
b) once you start talking acres and solo (or even in the OH's defence, a pair) it is impossible to create and maintain textbook gardens. You will not get Dixter.
No, don't get rid of the goats or your vegetables, but do go with the flow, modify the 'masterplan' to the easiest maintainance you can be excited by and consider compromising on the 100% organic front. Use machinery. Use chemicals. We've got half your patch. I'm really happy that more than 90% of that is woodland or rough grass... and there's still stuff that gets neglected. Stop beating yourself up - and leave the old man alone...
Peace and love, 4P, peace and love...
OM.
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Post by sweetleaf on Oct 30, 2006 8:13:26 GMT
Couldnt you use the tarps but put a poisonous snack under there every now and again to kill the rats before they breed? Any Nettles that make their way out of the tarps could get the hot vinegar tratment!
Do you have a local Pest Control Officer? In Brum they come out free for Rats, and will continue until the problem is eradicated.
(never give up, never surrender!)
F.A.T.B.A.G.S Forever! ;D
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Post by sleepysunday on Oct 30, 2006 9:17:28 GMT
Couples can work to together in the garden. My fondest memories are of Hilary and myself either in the garden or on the allotment. She got me interested in gardening after we married.
A lot of the joy of gardening disappeared after I lost her. Although I still count gardening as one of my hobbies, and still spend 'some' time on it, my garden does not compare with others here. It is very low maintenance now, but I potter with my 'low maintenace' shrubs and things to provide interest and and environment for wildlife.
I have in my garden:
Many hebes
Buddliea davidii (Black Knight and Harlequin)
Twisted Willow
American Purple Weeping Willow (that I think my cats have just killed) (Salix Pendula Purpurea)
Mahonia (I like it!)
Ceanothus
2 apple trees (1 crab, 1 eater)
Philadelphus
Pyrocathas (orange, red and yellow)
Balsam Poplar (about to be felled)
A golden hop
Wedding Cake Tree (Cornus Controversa Verigata)
In my front garden I have a large acer, and aLovely white rhrodadendron
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Post by Barbara on Oct 30, 2006 14:14:29 GMT
if you cut the nettles off at ground level, and put them in a bucket of water, with a brick on them to stop them floating, it makes the greatest plant feed. (but not for young plants.)
barbara
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2006 17:16:15 GMT
Oh dear 4P, it really sounds as though you're having a horrid time. Of course, you could just inform OH that until he gets off his a*&^e, you're going to serve him awful pesticide-sprayed veggies from the supermarket, while you sit scoffing your lovely home-grown stuff! Seriously, I really hope you manage to resolve this, and that you don't have to give in on your organic principles ... not that sympathy is much use to you now. Cheers <virtual hug smiley>
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Post by 4pygmies on Oct 30, 2006 17:44:15 GMT
What lovely people you all are - I REALLY appreciate all the support and advice. I feel a bit better today as I've spent the day at work with my good friend Pru whom I sell plants with. We have decided to make a virtue out of necessity and we 're going to dig up ALL the plants in my flower garden, split them and pot them up to sell them next season. Then we'll dig over and weed the whole lot and just seed it all with wild flowers with a simple path down the middle to the rose covered seat. I'm not spraying any of it but I am going plead, beg or barter with OH for a hand with the strimming so the nettles get cut back and then all my perimeters will get the hot vinegar treatment. The rats won't have any cover, the nettles get their comeuppance and I get some time to concentrate on the veggies and patio area. I have lots of self seeded Verbena bonariensis growing in that so they'll get dug up and sold too. OH is not interested in gardening full stop, this way I will not put too much strain on our already strained relationship and Pru and I make some much needed dosh! This is the plan now............thank the gods for good friends.
FATBAGS - compromise, good sense and never give up - you know it's the way forward! XX
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2006 13:13:09 GMT
Hope things are looking up for you now 4P - definitely sounds like a good plan, if not such a good outlook for the rats! Cheers ...
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Post by Plocket on Nov 1, 2006 18:55:46 GMT
I'm having a "slight" argument with my OH about the garden at the moment. He says it's far too big for me to manage it and that I should make some major changes. I know he's right BUT I waited all my life for a garden big enough to do all the things I dreamed about so I'm basically running myself ragged trying to keep as much as possible under control (and losing...). My argument is that if he actually helped me a bit with the huge jobs (like the hedge trimming) I might have enough time and energy to do a bit more of the gardeny stuff. Unfortunately his part in the great gardening scheme is sitting with a glass of wine having a smoke as often as possible with the occasional go on the mower..... I really wanted to turn my overrun flower garden into a prairie garden this autumn/spring but it involves a major digging over. I WILL NOT give up my goats and vegetable garden! Last night though whilst laying awake worrying about it I had a vision of my existing flower garden made into a very simple grassy strip with the existing hedges trimmed nice and neatly and the rose covered seat being the only planting...to my surprise I quite liked it! I could still keep my native plants growing naturally everywhere else I suppose. It just means I would spend most of my time using a mower and strimmer to keep it tidy..... Do other people have these problems with their partners? What's it like when both contribute to the growing of things? Am I being pathetic? Shall I just shut up?? I've been thinking about your post 4P and first of all: no don't shut up! It sounds as though it's your garden rather than yours and OHs so whatever you plan you will probably have to do it yourself. That being the case you are going to have to be quite practical about how you tackle it. Your idea of a grassy strip and rose seat sounds gorgeous but is it actually practical and achievable? I know I'm not being supportive but I'm trying to be rational. It sounds as though at the moment you are trying to do it all at once, whereas it would possibly be better tackled bit by bit. Are the goats enclosed at all btw? And if so you can stop worrying about their area!!!! |
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Post by 4pygmies on Nov 2, 2006 7:51:17 GMT
Morning CC and Plocket (and whoever else is reading this) - Well, the goats are enclosed - or I wouldn't have any garden! The chickens free range but tend to hover round the goats. I don't think OH will ever do any gardening so it's always going to be my garden. The problem in this garden has always been controlling the couch grass and nettles - unless I dig it all over every Spring they just overrun everything. I think I've just tried to do too much and as a consequence have ended up getting stressed as its ALL gone to pot! I used to have help cutting the grass from my father but now he's too disabled and a bit depressed about getting old I have to do it all myself - and I have a LOT of field to keep under control. I thought it wasn't asking too much for some help with that at least from OH, especially as he knows it's the one thing which gets my hayfever going berserk, but even that is too much apparently! Last week it all got to me and I actually stood my ground. Result was a big quarrel and major sulk from OH! As I said, he has some major issues to deal with at the moment.....You are being supportive Plocket, as I know you're trying to help. It sounds daft but it really helped me think things through having the MB to sound off on! I shall just have to get seriously practical and realistic about my physical capabilites as I approach the big 5 0. I am starting a proper nursery with my friend here too so, with that and my school Gardening Club, and the limitations of having young child and youger grandchildren (let's not start on THAT!), something's got to give and sadly I think it's all my plans for the garden. I'm sure most of us have these problems at some level or other, don't we? Cheers everyone X
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Post by Plocket on Nov 2, 2006 9:04:29 GMT
You certainly have a lot on your plate 4P, and it's a great shame that your dream garden is going to be the thing to suffer - or not be actioned as you want anyway. Now this is a real shot in the dark, particularly as I guess you are in a pretty quiet area, but I wonder if it's worth posting a note in the newsagents or something asking if someone wants to mow your grass regularly for a bit of pocket money. I know it's not idea you having to pay for someone to do it, but it would be cheaper than getting a professional in, and it would be one job that you don't have to worry about, or nag OH about!!! With any luck there will be someone near you who wants a bit of cash and wants to be a gardener. Just a thought! You know where we are 4P if you need to sound off again!!! |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2006 13:00:08 GMT
Plocket's suggestion sounds like a good one, 4P - it might take some of the pressure off. And, as Plocket says - you know where we all are  |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2006 8:10:25 GMT
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