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Post by 4pygmies on Nov 18, 2006 7:57:26 GMT
OK - new story with seasonal interest......:
Matilda struggled out of the store with her arms full of bags. As she leant against the door it swung open and she tumbled through it and landed in a heap on the wet cold pavement. The freezing snow seeped into her trousers and she sat amidst a jumble of smashed parcels, defeated and ready to burst into tears. "I HATE Christmas" she muttered grumpily and she went on her knees to try and rescue at least some of her carefully chosen gifts. "Oh no!" said a deep apologetic voice, "that was all my fault. I just didn't see you. Let me help" Matilda looked up, her nose running, her hair everywhere. and a deep scowl marring her usually sweet face. A strong hand reached down and..........
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Post by JennyWrenn on Nov 18, 2006 8:10:24 GMT
..and she stared up into the eyes of Monty Don
"What are you doing in a humble place like this Mont?" she squeaked
"Well," boomed Monty, "I was looking for a Christmas present for a friend of mine
"Do you know," he asked, "if they still sell HAIR RESTORER" ;D ;D
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Post by 4pygmies on Nov 18, 2006 8:25:40 GMT
...Monty towered above her in his familiar stance - legs so far apart she wondered if he had a problem with his hips (or was he extraordinarily well endowed?), hair thick, curly and ruffled and his eyes with that familiar twinkle in them. Matilda wiped her hand across her face and he drew her to her feet. She stared at him, at a loss for words, and he bent down to pick up her wrecked parcels. "Let me replace the broken things and buy you a cup of coffee" he said, drawing her back into the store. Oh nooo, she thought, what the hell am I going to say to him - it won't take him long to realise who I am......and when he does, all hell is going to break loose................
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Post by 4pygmies on Nov 18, 2006 18:59:25 GMT
Shall we not bother with this one either? I seem to be in a serious minority here!
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Post by Dr Bill on Nov 18, 2006 19:26:28 GMT
Shall we not bother with this one either? I seem to be in a serious minority here! I don't think any of us have your creative flair 4p She followed him into Starbucks. As she sipped her latte he pored over a rapidly cooling cappucino. He seemed distracted. She was relieved but curious. Who on earth did he want the hair restorer for - surely not...
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Post by sweetleaf on Nov 18, 2006 19:57:20 GMT
..himself, or perhaps it was, he seemed to be a little short in the eyebrow department, eventually he explained, it was for his cat, a hairless breed that shivered in our cold winters and looked ridiculous in a knitted coat. I tell you what he said Ill take you along to the BBC, and let you rub shoulders with a few TV personalities, as an apology they have a bit of a do on tonight and my plus one cant make it.........
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Post by Dr Bill on Nov 18, 2006 20:16:38 GMT
I'll introduce you to CK.
Matlilda's hands flew up to her hair. Why oh Why had she had that orange rinse. She just knew she was going to clash with CK.
She tried to mumble an excuse, but the words just came out gobble-de-gook. There was no going back. She would have to accept the invitation.
That evening she rifled her wardrobe to find the right thing to wear, finally settling on...
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Post by JennyWrenn on Nov 18, 2006 20:46:07 GMT
...a dash of Chanel No 5 and that was all
They shall see me for all I am tonight The Lady of Shallotts - riding into the night on the back of my white stallion - they will not notice my ginger rinse unless.....unless......
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Post by Dr Bill on Nov 18, 2006 20:54:37 GMT
Oh blimey - it wasn't only the hair on my head that was rinsed.
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Post by JennyWrenn on Nov 19, 2006 7:32:03 GMT
.....Oh me Gosh now all me 'airs fallin' out
I am starting to look like who I really am
Oh No double Oh No Big Mont has spotted me
"Joe me old mate what you doing sitting astride that white beast?" he bellowed
.................
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Post by 4pygmies on Nov 19, 2006 8:21:07 GMT
Brilliant! ......."and you've brought Christine W (sorry....!) - you two make a good team. I've brought someone tonight" he whispered, under his breath, "I knocked the poor woman and her presents to the ground - I must introduce her to Sarah - she needs some help in the good taste gift buying department - and she looks like she's got some dosh to spend!" Monty looked round for his mysterious guest. He wished she hadn't worn that strange wrinkled outsize costume but, at least he could recommend a good cat coat knitter to her if she needed another layer. "This is....." he realised suddenly that he didn't know her name."Oh I'm so sorry - I didn't quite catch your..." As he turned to her he saw a look of dawning horror flit across Joe's face. There was a sudden commotion and Sarah Raven, her face distorted with hate lunged past him, her hands twisted into claws. Behind her Carol raised a plate of parsnip vol au vents above her head and aimed straight for his naked, defenceless but sweet smelling guest. She lifted her hand and suddenly time stood still "I am the Spirit of Gardeners Past!" she said as Monty stood amazed and awed "My name is Gertrude and I'm slightly upset that you didn't recognise me! Call yourself a gardener? Come with me and I will show you the error of your ways. A 367 book deal and an intermittant GW series does not make you a Gardening Guru!" She took his hand and a mist enveloped them...........
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Post by Susie Snowdrop on Nov 19, 2006 8:38:57 GMT
Monty blinked and with horror blinked again........he couldn't believe what he was seeing. He was looking down on HELLS KITCHEN! He could feel the hot steam on his face and suddenly......................................................
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Post by 4pygmies on Nov 19, 2006 8:44:50 GMT
...a hideous, scarred, gurning face looked up **** me!!" shouted the face "What the **** is going on here? Get those ***** things out of my kitchen!" Mist shrouded them "Sorry" said Gertrude, "Wrong channel!" Monty started to feel quite unwell as they hurled through time and space. "Ah, that's better" said the Spirit "Look and learn"............
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Post by JennyWrenn on Nov 19, 2006 9:42:17 GMT
....and there flying high above them all were Christine and David
David his face one of pure joy
"I resisted her for so long - I pretended I didnt like her" he mewed meakly
Christine had found Her Man
Tara barked furiously - to no avail
Christine was in love - her garden, her neighbours, her 250 indoor plants, her 500 year old cacti - all forgotten
"You can have my programme" she screamed at Charlie "You can have my bras too"
Monty's eyes on stalks could not believe what happened next......
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2006 15:17:21 GMT
… as the scowling ghost of Gertrude Jekyll was joined by another apparation, a lanky figure in Wellingtons and several bulky cardigans. “Vita!” cried Gertrude, “I didn’t expect to see you here this evening. Surely we’d agreed you would …” – “Yes, yes”, Vita interrupted impatiently, “I know I was supposed to hop across the Irish Sea and haunt Diarmuid Gavin. Well, I did drop in at the opening of his new gardening centre - m'dear, you have never seen such tat. Blue mirrors – for garden walls apparently. My reflection looked most peculiar – and, Gertie, they were selling the strangest black grass. Sort of singed-looking, with this plasticky black berries – ghastly, quite ghastly. But it’s so lonely haunting alone, so I thought I come back and see what you’re up to”. At that, a scream rent the air and the two ectoplasmic ladies looked down. Their eyes alit on a scene of chaos: Monty D., watched by Sarah and Carol, was scrabbling on the floor, plainly in search of a ...
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Post by 4pygmies on Nov 19, 2006 15:53:25 GMT
..weapon. "Go get em" screamed Sarah inelegantly as Monty's hand came across a mess of parsnips and pastry "I used to play Rugby you know" he shouted triumphantly as he hurled the strangely shaped missile at the blissful soaring figures of David and Christine. The parsnip shot through the air but as it went higher and higher it began to glow and sparkle. Gertrude and Vita exchanged a knowing look. Suddenly the parsnip slowed on its trajectory and it started to revolve faster and faster. Sparks shot out from it and in the red hot glow a figure appeared. "I am the Spirit of Gardeners to Come" said a voice. Sarah, Carol and Monty stepped back in amazement as they recognised that voice. "It can't be..." said Carol. "NO! I just don't believe it!" Sarah' voice shook with rage. "All that work at Berryfield's, all my lovely designs wasted" Joe muttered from under the table cloth where he'd been hiding. Monty was transfixed, too astonished to move as.............
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2006 12:40:51 GMT
… the figure stepped forward from the red-hot glow. Sheathed in a hessian tunic, orange hair flowing down her back, her capable hands sported short, dirt-encrusted nails, there was a no-nonsense air about her. This was a woman who had mixed manure and compost with her bare hands. Scratches on her arms spoke of close encounters with brambles. The Wellingtons on her feet said she was unafraid of the muck lurking at the bottom of her patch. A smear of dirt on her brow spoke of sweat wiped off. “I like this gal”, said Gertrude softly. “Mmmmm, if that’s the future we may be able to retire”, whispered Vita back. Moving towards Gertrude and Vita, the woman cast a withering glance at Sarah and said …
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Post by sweetleaf on Nov 20, 2006 13:05:31 GMT
Ive been waching you rip off gardeners with your stupid web-site tat, get back with the other fools, woman! And with that she began to grow, and the surrounding area began to sprout flowers, veg and herbs where her feet touched the ground, chairs and coat racks sprouted leaves, blossom and fruit , and long tendrils of vines began to twine around sarah Monty and joe, lifting them into the air, when ........
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Post by 4pygmies on Nov 20, 2006 21:26:31 GMT
...Carol leapt forward, her hands reaching for the strapping woman in front of her. "Halt!" she shouted in her deep no nonsense voice "We are all gardeners here! Why are you doing this?" She stared at the now huge woman as Monty, Sarah and Joe struggled to stay on their feet. "What are you trying to prove? Without us GW will fail and be cast into the endless dross of satellite repeats. The nation will stop gardening and become grossly obese and planet earth will be a desert..." The giant Spirit paused and there was a hush. Gertrude and Vita seemed to be communing silently with her. "You have a point" said the Spirit " you have earned yourself a reprieve. Go then and spread the GW word. You have only a short time to make it the most popular programme on BBC2. And remember it's only your hair colour that has saved you." With a wave of her mighty arm all three Spirits vanished and.........
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Post by sweetleaf on Nov 20, 2006 21:54:24 GMT
Monty and the rest set to to take cuttings and collect seeds from the magical plants, Sarah was fairly dribbling with exitement " I`ll copyrite these", she said "and Ill never have to work again!"Monty frowned, "but I thought we were going to feed the world and end hunger and poverty" Are you kidding?" said joe "weve got to hurry you never know what..........uhoh!" he stopped, and turned around when......
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Post by Dr Bill on Nov 20, 2006 23:23:40 GMT
...Matilda let out a spine-chilling scream. "What about me! This was supposed to be my big day out. All I've seen are ghoulies and women with peculiar hair. When do I get my treat"
Monty took her gently by the hand and led her into the summer house. He sat her in a comfortable garden chair and knelt before her.
"Don't you realise, Matilda, that you are the reason for all this. Your arrival here has unleashed a primeval power that no-one understands. We have to appease the Gardening Gods by making the supreme sacrifice. We have to make this offering.
He turned and flung open the door to reveal...
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Post by Susie Snowdrop on Nov 20, 2006 23:31:10 GMT
Mr T's ghoulies which he'd had locked up in a secret shed for the past 15 years. They were very, very angry and squealed and screamed and flew towards Matilda!! Monty leapt into the air, right in from of Matilda just in time to stop the.......................................................
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Post by 4pygmies on Nov 21, 2006 19:09:35 GMT
..them attacking her. The ghoulies shrieked and came at her again. Monty grabbed a massive cucumber from the tangled foliage "I used to play cricket!" he shouted joyously and whacked the ghoulies high into the air. "Eeh, lad, nay then" said Alan appearing from the depths of the shed, "There's no need for that. They're nobbut ghoulies. They won't 'urt thee!" Matilda gasped and sank to her knees. "M..M..Mr TiT..TiT...Titmarsh!", she stammered "I'm so honoured to meet you..." Alan smiled and his eyes twinkled "Nay lass, now then...don't be shy, I were just working in t'shed when some bugger let me ghoulies loose. " He looked round "By 'eck, there's some mucky work going on 'ere! What's going on?" Monty, Sarah, Carol and Joe all started talking at once, but Matilda was content to stare worshipfully at her hero. Suddenly she realised that all three Spirits were hovering above Alan but were now so tiny that no one else had seen them. She looked closer at them as they seemed much younger than before. Gertude and Vita were now young and vibrant and the Spirit of the Future looked about 6years old. The tiny Spirits landed behind the group of babbling TV presenters and......
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Post by sweetleaf on Nov 22, 2006 15:11:49 GMT
.....metomorphosised into an aquaeous vapour, spreading and enveloping the self-serving group.. each was unaware of their presence and breathed the vapour, and as they did so a beatific smile appeared on their faces, their body language appeared more relaxed and Mr Titch smiled knowingly........
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Post by piggingardener on Nov 22, 2006 15:20:49 GMT
"Right then you lot", he said, "I've got some lovely new programmes you can all take part in."
"The BBC have asked me to find you all new jobs to do so here's the plan. Monty, you will be going to join in the BBC's flagship programme in the new year, you'll be joining the current presenter as an assistant, I'm sure you'll get on really well. The programme's called Christines Garden. The rest of you will be doing the next series of Digging Deep"
The gardeners, still smiling beatifically, cheered and applauded Mr T.
"But who will be presenting Gardenr's World then, and where from?" asked Monty
"Well lad" said Mr T with a grin "It's going to be............
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Post by sweetleaf on Nov 22, 2006 15:39:56 GMT
....a secret, until the grand unveiling on the first programme! "What a great idea" chorused the group as one, but Mr T had not finished speaking "What I want you all to do for the moment, is to sit down and watch Christines Garden as a continuous loop until I tell you to stop" The group sat down obediently in front of the tv..... Listen, dear reader, and learn, brainwashing techniques are frequently horrendous, but this.............
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Post by JennyWrenn on Nov 22, 2006 17:45:20 GMT
....is awful
There is Christine wearing a white frock and a veil, clutching a bouquet of wilting wallflowers and Tara dressed as a dog's maid all in pink froth
And also there is David running like the Knappers down the road as if ............
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Post by piggingardener on Nov 23, 2006 11:51:13 GMT
.......all the daemons from Hell were after him.
The gardeners sat and watched dutifully, still wearing their beatific smiles. Half way through the next episode, Christine went to visit her neighbour, Reg. It was a lovely hot summers day and Christine fancied a free beer. "I'll prune your plum tree for you," she said to Reg "you go and find us a nice cold bottle of beer to cool us down."
She started to hack huge branches from Reg's plum tree, the expression on Monty's face began to change. His normally ruddy complexion paled and developed a greenish tint.
"Hang on a minute!" he blurted out "........
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Post by sweetleaf on Nov 23, 2006 13:22:28 GMT
Call yourself a gardener! You cant prune a plum tree at this time of year! With that, all the hypnotised gardeners began to wake up from their dazed state, and Christines voice began to grate on their conscious minds........
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Post by 4pygmies on Nov 23, 2006 22:29:33 GMT
...Matilda seized her chance. Sarah was still dazed and staring bemusedly at Christine. Matilda crept up behind her and gently pulled at her jacket. She turned over the collar and looked at the name on the label - Sarah's clothes had always fascinated her and she wanted to know where they came from - she looked at the label and gasped in astonlshment. "Please...." she heard Sarah whisper"Don't let my secret out. I'll do anything you want" Their eyes met and Matilda opened her mouth to reassure when Christine's voice bellowed.........
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