It was a dark and scary night ....

[sleepysunday]

But my hopes of a restful night were dashed when I was woken by the sound of police sirens. I was instantly alert, and a quick glance at the bedside clock told me that it was just after 3.30am.

Strobing blue lights pierced the cheap, thin chintz curtains, and the thrub thrub thrubbing drone of a helicopter washed over all.

I leapt out of bed to the window and looked down at the street below. There must have been at least 50 police officers, and they were dressed for trouble. They were all crouched behind their vehicles, with shotguns aimed at my front door.The misty rain wafted through the orange glow of the street light, and glistened as it settled on their body armour.

A tall chizel-jawed figure in a long trench coat stepped out from a small group of officers and raised a megaphone. His voice boomed harshly, with a metallic edge...

[4pygmies]

..."OPEN THE DOOR!" he shouted, "We have reports of Zombie rats hiding here!" I looked around, searching for my pants, hurriedly discarded earlier, and to my absolute horror saw beady red eyes peering out from a pile of dirty underwear..............

[sleepysunday]

"Delores!", I bellowed "Put my underpants down and get dressed quickly. the Zombie Rat Police are here. I've told you before I don't like you sniffing my pants while I'm asleep"

Delores' beady red eyes dropped with embarrassment at the rebuke.

"Now, get dressed and bring the cage of zombie rats, I have a tunnel in the cellar that'll get us far enough away. When they finally come in after us we'll be long gone"

"But Poppet" protested Delores, "what about the...

[4pygmies]

....experimental feral capybara hidden under the garden shed? They attack small gardeners on sight!! How can I protect them and us without my gloves and your underpants? You know they hate .........

[4pygmies]

No one playing anymore - never mind.....

..."your smelly pants - it's the only way I can control them!" "Leave the Zombie rat police to deal with them" I said "Now let's get down the tunnel....GO! GO" GO!" I could hear the sound of the door being smashed and risked one last look out of the window. The chisel jawed Zombie policemen was directing shadowy figures towards the garden. I smiled as I imagined the scene when they discovered the feral capybara............

[sleepysunday]

I'm sure the others will chip in when ready....

DCI Rock Screwdriver of the Yard busily directed his men around the building, desperate to ensure that no one slipped away. He signalled forward two officers with a heavy steel ram.

"Take down the door" he barked

The two men, holding the ram from each side, swung it back, and then forward towards the door with a heaftly gait.

WHAMM!

The door caved in at the first blow, even losing the upper hinge in doing so. Rock pushed the door aside and strode into the reception hall of the grand Edwardian house.

Meanwhile Delores and I were just emerging from the dark tunnel 200 yeards away, through an exit disguised as a drain cover on a piece of waste land. As they scrmbled to their feet a motorcycle roared towards them The rider was clad from head to foot in black leather.

"Have you got the rats?" came the muffled voice of a young man from within the tinted black helmet.

"They're here." I replied "Have you got the money?"

He handed over a well stuffed brown A5 envelope. I gave him the cage. "What about the...

[piggingardener]

......capybara?" asked the young man.

"Listen" I replied, "5-4-3-2-1 and.."

A blood curdling scream ripped through the air.

"Does that answer your question?" I asked.

"Yes, but what.............

[4pygmies]

...am I going to tell my boss, the madman who's trying to overrun the world (or Norfolk) with manic rodents? He needs the Capybara. too! "It's alright" said Dolores, "one sniff of these and they'll be like pet mice" She opened a black case and the ripe fetid smell of unwashed manly pants washed over them, "stand back while I call them" She raised a trumpet to her lips and blew a single note. The was a pause in the distant screams and a sound like a herd of blood crazed feral capybara could be heard. A herd of blood crazed capybara appeared and..........

[Plocket]

(I can't join in - I'm too confused!!!!! )

[sleepysunday]

charged towards us.

"Cripes!" I exclaimed "Where did they all come from?"

We keep them at a safe house owned by an agent codenamed 4Pygmies. Actually she thinks they're rats, but in actual fact they are much larger. And these beauties have been trained to kill."

At that moment...

[Chuckles]

I don't join in I just read and enjoy, sometimes I'm confused toooooo P. You guys are great at this

[sleepysunday]

Bodie and Doyle screeched to a halt just in front of them in their trademark silver capri. Bodie exited first with his usual air of cocky arrogance. Doyle followed suit. Both walked over to Delores, ignoring all others present.

"Hi Delores," drawled Bodie, "do you like my new pink shirt? I bought it from Top Man last week. It was 30% off in their blue spot sale."

"Very nice." Acknowledged Delores. "Ray, who styles your hair? I looks realy cute"

"Thanks D," answered Doyle, "I go to Marcel's on Dudley High Road. He always tries to fit me in on the first Thursday of the month, if you know what I mean". Doyle gave Delores a wink and a sly smile crept to his mouth.

"Ray!" explaimed Delores, "Far too much information"

Bodie stepped forward to...

[4pygmies]

..claim his pants. "I've been looking for them!" he said, "I thought I left them in the back of the Capri......." At that moment the feral capybara thundered into view. "Quick!" said Doyle, "Get in Dolores..." There was a brief fracas and Doyle pulled Bodie off Dolores. "NO YOU FOOL! he shouted "I meant get in the Capri!" Dolores brandished the fetid pants as the capybara rushed towards them. "Head towards Norfolk"she screamed "We must find 4P's nettle patch and the secret tunnel into the......"

[Cheerypeabrain]

.....nest of the queen".
Bodie calmly looked into the camera and raised one eyebrow...'If she's female...she's not got a chance once I get to her' he laughed arrogantly 'HA HA HAAAAA' ...'NOOOOO' exclaimed an exasperated Doyle...you don't understand...she's too powerful...the pants just won't be enough....we'll need....(dramatic pause)....

[4pygmies]

...4P's Gatling gun! Quick, head for Fredley's shed and press that red button which says Press in an emergency! Dolores reached it first and pressed the button without hesitation. Fredley the goat reared up in surprise as..................

[Deleted]

....Aragorn burst in, astride a muscular white stallion. "Fear not 4P & CPB" he cried "for I will wield my mighty sword and....."

[Margi]

... at that point Margi arrived on the scene, and kidnapped Aragorn who was never seen again. However 30 years later a man who looked a little like him but rather .... err ... drained turned up in Cardiff Bay, near a tall, stainless steel water feature....

[Susie Snowdrop]

...............a shiny ship, just setting sail for..........................

[sleepysunday]

Cleethorpes.

"Shall I get on it?" pondered Aragorn. "Will that blasted demanding woman follow me there?"

Aragorn's groin ached from 30 years of abuse.

His thoughts raced in an attempt to find a way to escape the sex-crazed woman who had kept him imprisoned for so long; a carnal slave to her unquenchable passions and desires.

"I know" he thought, "I'll go to Cleethorpes, change my name to Earnest Wagglebottom, and open a seafront bed and breakfast. If I shave off my beard, dye my hair, and walk with a limp she'll never find me". Again the torture of persistent abuse came flooding back to him and he shuddered uncontrollably.

Just as it started to spit with rain he boarded the steel ship. He was greeted on board by...

[Deleted]

... none other than Brunnhilde, looking slightly disheveled and minus her conch horn, but still clutching the little munchkin to her womanly breast. Breathing heavily, she waved Aragorn to a chair on deck. Glancing around he saw odd man-shaped seedlings straining to escape their pots.

"Changing your name to Ernest Wagglebottom will avail nought", she said sadly. "I thought I could escape my travails by persuading everyone they had merely been living through a nightmare. But now I know how blurred are the lines between fantasy and reality.

"The agent code-named 4P is a good woman but she has been duped by the ueber-rat Scontatius. What she believes to be rats are - as was pointed out earlier in this saga - something much deadlier. And her beloved goat Fredley is, in fact, a rat in goat's clothing.

"And her nettle patch is, in truth, a field of gigantic genetically modified Buddleia Davidii on which the ueber-rats feed. This very ship is transporting seedlings of this GM freak to wreak havoc elsewhere. And so the deception goes on. Your salvation lies not in Cleethorpe but in ... "

[4pygmies]

...."Much Hadham, in the deep south of Suffolk where strange things go on behind windmills. Thus I earnestly request thy hand in marriage and we shall break the curse of the feralzombiewereglovepuppetcapybaracrap70spoliceprogrammes which abound in this strange world". She paused as a strange shrieking and wailing rent the air as 4P, Susie, CPB and Dolores beamed up, griefstricken and weeping virtual beings, and as their sorrow turned to a terrifying menopausal and menstrual rage, the air became thick with their appalling hormonal power and the very fabric of Cleethorpe was riven. "Holy Fallopian Tubes!" gasped Aragorn, his brawny arms and legs taut with muscle as he fought to stay erect...........

ooh, hang on there's more:

...."YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" screamed 4P, "Fredley is MINE and I have nurtured him with my mighty pears. He is not a feral zombie rat goat creature!"
"ARAGORN, my favourite fantasy in the dark wakeful nights" moaned Susie and CPB (temporarily in alliance in this, their hour of need) "It has been foretold since the great Jackie magazine in the Dark Ages (Sept 23rd 1973 Page 23 Horoscopes), that we will be together. It is our destiny!"
The female virtual beings raised their batwing arms as one and gestured..........

[Deleted]

... towards Brunhilde. "You have betrayed the ideals of organic womanhood", said 4P sternly. "It was you, together with your ally Scontatius, who dreamt up the idea of GM Buddleia Davidii. The Land of Brassica is not enough for you, so you were going to use the GMBD as an advance guard in your efforts to colonise Suffolk and Norfolk and all the other Folks".

"Yes", chimed in CPB, "We have seen your plans for a mighty battle between GMBD and 4Ps nettles. But we have a secret weapon".

So saying, CPB and 4P stepped back and made way for Plocket, accompanied by Susie and advancing in front of an army of clematis. The clematii (sp.?) wriggled and wove their way towards Brunhilde, wrapping their tendrils (do clematis have tendrils? Ed.) around her arms and legs, and finally around her trunk-like throat.

A detachment of Clematis Tangutica made its way on board and headed for the GMBD seedlings, cowering now in their pots.

Eyes bulging, Brunhilde scrabbled at the tendrils to no avail. In a febrile voice she cried: "You may kill me. You may even feed my little munchkin to your pitcher plants. But you cannot kill ..."

[4pygmies]

....."Scontatius, the uber Rat!! You think the Rats of Nimh was made up??? What did you think was going on under 4P's nettle patch? There is a network of Scontatiius agents under every garden in every town and city in this country....you're never more than 4 feet away from an uber rat! Ha hahhahaahaaaahahaahaaa..." she cried, her magnificent bosoms gradually disappearing under the tendrils of clematus tangutica...she choked as a flower began to open out of her nostril. "Oo look!" squeaked Plocket, "That's sooo pretty! Look Susie!" Plocket looked round, just in time to see Susie struggling to hold on to Aragorn's manly legs as CPB tried to spirit him away into the hormonal mists. "Ladies, don't be distracted by a rock hard muscle, bound leg and sculptured chest with a curiously attractive smattering of freckles NOW! We're here to stop Cleethorpes disappearing into the Rift!" The ladies concentrated their mind and senses on the destruction of Brunhilde and the remaining GMBD seedlings. Another ethereal female figure hovered in the mist and moaned faintly ..."but I love purple buddleja...what are you girls doing? Aragorn, is that you? I've missed you..." In the mist another figure appeared (sorry, getting overcrowded in this mist), dark, menacing and smelling of rancid blue cheese and.............


Here look up! A row of death to rat adverts has appeared. WoW!

[Deleted]

<you're right 4P - an ad for 'Pest Control Ireland - You've got the pest, we do the rest> has just appeared! But back to the adventures of our redoubtable ladies:

... day-old Guinness. Brandishing a foul-smelling cheap cigar, this apparition cried: "I am Scontatius Major, with the form of a man and the smell of a rat. We will not miss Brunhilde" - at this Brunhilde gave a death rattle and finally fell to the ground - "for her sort are two a penny. She was nothing but a paid agent, as am I. Rather than focussing on Aragorn's manly chest, muscles of steel and legs like redwoods, you should have paid more attention to the insignificant Sweep. Remember the phrase 'hand in glove'? The hand in Sweep's glove is ...

[Susie Snowdrop]

..............belong to Harry Corbett .............."Good Evening" said Mr Corbett, "Has anybody seen Sue or Sooty today"?..........................................

[4pygmies]

......OH GREAT ONE! shuddered the uber rat Scontatius, "what is your wish for these feeble womanly creatures?" The sinister smiling face of the glove puppeteer became a mask of hate and naked desire. "I have plans for them which do not concern you Scontatius, leave me the females but take the male and do what you will with him. He has mocked my puppet skills too often. It's not easy, you know, trying to convey emotions with your hand up a small fluffy creature. These women are gorgeous beyond compare but a trifle misguided in their allegiances. They shall learn the error of their ways. On my planet a female is only considered mature when she has stretch marks, several rolls of stomach and more than four chins. They are ripe for my tutoring and form part of my plan for this world. Aragorn's reign is over! Tell your creatures our time is near. Prepare to........................."

[Susie Snowdrop]

..................feed them eclairs, until their jowls are green and stomachs plump...............make them drink copious amounts of red wine and wine gums.............bring them to me when they are voluptuous. Now go, tempt their sweet tooth and be back in time for...........................

[4pygmies]

...Strictly Come Dancing tonight. This planet is run by stupid small people with no idea of the forces around then but, By Heck, they can dance! For the first time a flicker of doubt showed in Scontatius' eyes. "But Oh Great One, it clashes with the XFactor and one of my chief henchmen is one of the judges. He has placed himself there at great personal risk and it is torture to him to listen to the appalling humans murdering our great anthems." "Our time is running short" snarled the Puppet Master "Do it My Way and don't forget the eclairs! As he turned the uber Rat slipped over the clematis infested remains of Brunhilde. He landed awkwardly and as he struggled to his feet the barrel of a twin tub air rifle with laser Borg attachment was pushed into his hideous furry little face. "You forgot about me" said a small voice quietly...............

[Susie Snowdrop]

............"I wish I could fly, right up to the sky, but I can't!" squeaked a small green voice! "HALT, WHO GOES THERE?!" bellowed a commanding reply from beneath the ...............................................

[4pygmies]

...furry rat faced uber rat. "It's me again" said the small green voiced one" Take off that disguise and let's see the truth. I'm sick of this convoluted, mist ridden, overblown saga" A hand reached out and tugged at Scontitius's ratty face and to the shock of all the characters still hanging about in this epic it began to come away. His face, shoulder and torso were dragged away and underneath began to appear the architect of this sorry tale..........